THE BEATING OF HOOVES

THE HOWLING OF WOLVES

You’ve done the time for your misdeeds, your crime,

having paid for your sin, you are free to be yourself again.

Yes, free to choose the direction you will run, win or lose,

warnings don’t come cheap, be careful, watch before you leap.

Watch where you hide, pick up the breadcrumbs of your pride.

Do what you believe you must, be careful - so careful - who you trust.

The horizon seems far away, but it resides within you - the price you pay.

Lie down dog, you have made your bed, be careful not to lose your head...

And when you hear them howling in the dark of night,

calling all to come, ‘tis time for hunting by full moon’s light.

They can smell your sweat as it’s rolling down your face.

You cannot outrun the wolves, you will always lose the race.

So, have you decided to become part of the pack and run?

Is this what you believe? Your mind plays tricks and deceives.

You are what you are man, try to change your ways, if you can.

I’ll be watching you, I am at your back, prepared (if I must) to attack.

Run, man, choose and run as fast as you can to nowhere again.

Listen for the sound upon the ground of the horse’s mighty hooves.

Do you remember now? This is how it will begin and no one will win -

Remember nothing more than this: Man cannot run with the wolves.

Man cannot run with the wolves. Man cannot run with the wolves.

If you can stop long enough to remember, then try to surrender.

Do not listen to the horse and that heavy remorse beneath his hooves.

You cannot outrun the wolves, cannot ride that horse, remember!

BAD MOTHER

I will never leave you, you were left in this abyss long ago,

Darkness came upon you, swallowed you and wouldn’t let you go.

I never told you about the pain I felt, no, you will never know,

Your mind swirling, twisted and turning where those winds blow.

Did you know when you carried me home, gave me a name,

gave me an identity to grow in to, gave me a life I could claim?

Picture the family smiling, fading into shadows inside the frame.

I will someday light the fire and throw the memories into the flame.

I will never forget your insults, words that repeat in my mind,

No matter how hard I try to hide them, they’re easy to find.

Stabbed a thousand times, cut out my tongue, left me blind,

The ropes that scarred me, connect us still and will never unwind.

You took a child who had no comprehension, had no choice,

You cut me to the quick, took away my self-worth, silenced my voice;

Now I touch those scars, outline them with my finger, making no noise,

Mother dear, your abuse has no regard for the innocence it destroys.

I cut you loose, drowned out your shouts and insults, to be freed

From your sickness, your putrid stench, your narcissistic breed,

And took the blade, cut you out of my mind just to watch you bleed.

It was never me, it was you Mother - you were the blighted seed.

Yes, I stood in the shadows while the other was treated like gold.

It wasn't his fault that he shined while I was covered in mildew and mold, 

Little brother, she was warm to you, but I felt the chill, lived in the cold,

And now you live your life unencumbered while I tend to the old.

I will never hold you in contempt for the decisions that woman made.
You go on and live your life with memories that will never leave you afraid.

I do my duty knowing right from wrong, still feeling betrayed.

I’ll find no comfort in her death, I’ve grown numb sitting here watching her fade.

M Teresa Clayton

ECLIPSE OF THE SOUL

Do not look at the midday skies, lest ye lose the sight of eyes, let the shadows pass you by, do not hesitate to ask them why. It will begin with the light of day, the sun will come out to play, but does not anticipate the darkness coming its way, the moon will overtake her and the wolves will bay. Yes, the day will surrender to the night, as the moon shows her power to block the insults of the sun, now you can take your rest, your day is done - but when the light returns, look away, look away lest thee lose thy sight.

The black sun hangs silent behind the moon, darkness wraps you in a cold cocoon, the card is revealed with the rune, time stands still - death comes too soon. We all know the cadence that calls us to rise and when to sleep. We have become complacent when a loved one dies it awaken our regrets and we weep.

Come, learn the ways of those who have conquered death. You have already died a million times between each breath. Do not fear, suddenly you will find no light of day and no shadows in the darkness. You, my dear, will no longer have need of sight and you will become the shadow, immune to judgments, released from your karmas.

An eclipse brings awe to those who are impressed by oddities and mysteries they will never comprehend. It serves to show that even the greatest can be dispossessed. Such are these curiosities and inconsistencies seen in your peripheries. The sun never surrendered, she simply acquiesced. The heavens are full of unexplainable occurrences, unfathomable and soon forgotten.

The lessons of life are not sustainable, have no permanence in the unimaginable, an experience so uncommon that it holds no importance in your memories. This is what you see, a mere performance of nature that holds no meaning as long as the eyes never see. The moon becomes nothing but a usurper, bold and scheming - a wrong the moon has devised so cleverly.

Be the wiser child and listen to thy mothers voices, do not despise her, she reveals the crown that glistens, the coronation of the sun never gave us choices. She returns to rule the days and she will not be darkened again soon. As she burns, don’t play the fool and change your ways, do not bargain ‘gainst the Xen that is the moon.

The night always repeals the laws of the day, ‘tis alright, her dim light repays and seals the maws of man’s decay. She hears the cries and the prayers said, as she clears the lies and the affairs of the dead she never wavers, never leaves, never abandons you in your time of woes - judges not your behaviors, often relieves, forever understands you and the crime you chose. She comes silently into view, never stridently to you.

Allow the sun to witness your offense and offer you a boisterous defense while passing your sentence for your lack of repentance. The moon will tend your tomorrows, she will mend your sorrows and all the pain that follows, she will wane and the darkness grows.

Will you stand with her and believe? Will you hear her command to receive? Will you trust her to never deceive? Three nights without her, will you grieve? No, you shall trust her to wax slowly, give protection to the lowly, she will reveal all that is holy, when she has waxed full and you can see her wholly.

Nay, there will not be another eclipse of the sun for a long time, to remind you to mind both day and night. Where the day will surrender to lunar blips when the moon is in her prime. Look behind you, don’t look away, stand free beneath the great shadow. The truth appears within the light.

M Teresa Clayton

THE DELICATE KIND (with option to listen to recitation)

What is real and what is imagined? Nightmares that will not end when we open our eyes, the sounds growing louder - mother comes to comfort you and tries to convince you, it is all in your mind.

Then you hear it, the sirens! What could they mean? - she comes in again to reassure you that it just means it's all clear, but take precautions if you decide to go out there...

A child is being born and the pain is real - but "they" are telling you it will be okay, just breathe, relax - A new baby is here! healthy and pink and no comprehension of the dimensions of death...

Was it ever real? or just stories we keep telling ourselves? - (thank you L. O'Donnell - Piratas De Dios)

A creepy little poem - what is real? am I awake? why do they keep telling me it's okay? ignore the pain? the pain is real, isn't it? what are the stories I tell myself?

THE DELICATE KIND

It’s okay - you’re fine - every thing is alright

Just a bad dream in the middle of the night

Turn on the light,

(turn on the light)

Your dream gave you a terrible fright

Rub your eyes and regain your sight

There are no monsters behind the door

There’s nothing slithering across the floor

Try to ignore,

(try to ignore)

No reason to get up and explore

Your nightmares can’t hurt you no more

Put reality back in the drawer

Place the truth back on the shelf

Turn the sound down a little lower

Listen to the stories you tell yourself

It’s all in your imagination dear

You know nothing bad ever happens in here

What did you hear?

(what did you hear?)

The sirens sounding out the ‘all clear’

Now let those visions disappear

I’m sure it’s just something in the air

Cover your mouth if you’re going out there

Only if you dare,

(only if you dare)

At your own risk; buyer beware

Side-effects are extremely rare

Put reality back in the drawer

Place the truth back on the shelf

Turn the sound down a little lower

Listen to the stories you tell yourself

Relax; now take a deep cleansing breath

One hard push and a wide open breadth

Out of the depth,

(out of the depth)

Newborn takes her first mortal breath

Healthy and pink, no illusions of death

It’s alright; you’re just losing your mind

Yours was always the ‘delicate’ kind

Push the rewind,

(push the rewind)

Looking for answers you won’t ever find

A case of the blind - leading the blind

Put reality back in the drawer

Place the truth back on the shelf

Turn the sound down a little lower

Listen to the stories you tell yourself

M TERESA CLAYTON

THE TRUTH ABOUT TIME - HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?

According to this census, the average male born in 1970 will live to be 70 years old; the average female – 75.

1950? M = 66 F – 72  1960? M = 67 F = 74  1980? M = 70 F = 78

What does this mean for you?

From the age 0 – 18 you are still learning life, going to school and answering to mom and dad. 

From the age of 18 – 25 you are most likely extending your education, meeting your future spouse and possibly preparing to enter the job market.

From the age of 25 – 35 the average couple has married and are preparing for a family of their own, making major purchases, establishing their careers and learning to balance work with play.

According to the census above – if you were born in 1970 you are now at the half-way point in your life. So far you have lived independently, making your own choices, and exploring all aspects of life for approximately 15 years. How is it working for you thus far?

From 35 – 45 you will fall into the “inventory” years, you will decide if your choices are working for you, making you happy, bringing you success. This will be the time when changes are usually made – life changing choices – divorce, job changes, moves… and this will be the time in your life when you will either realize your dreams or find yourself struggling to stay above water.

Now for the bad news. If 70 is your expected life span in years, you will most likely begin experiencing life changing health issues (which will impact your finances as well as your ability to physically partake in those dreams you once dreamt) at the age of 65 on average. You can now remove those last five years from your plans to realize those trips abroad, partaking in activities that require physical activity and strength like snow skiing, boating, hiking, swimming, flying, etc.

Now, if you have children, you will be expected to donate to their education and/or help them out when they hit rough times. There goes the $$ security you thought you had.

Doing the math, you now have approximately 20 years to make the best of your life while you can. Assuming you have the finances to make those trips and do those exciting things you dreamt about, let’s ask this question – are you still in your first marriage? Do you have a partner to share your last 20 year of bliss with? 

Twenty years. Still have to plug away at that job and find time for living your dreams during those vacation periods! Will your children be coming with you? 

Twenty years. Are your bills paid up? Your credit in good standing? How much free time do you really have? Are your living arrangements stable? Do you have a plan if you become ill before the predicted age of 65?

NOW I ASK YOU – Have you found someone to share these last twenty years with? If not, you will probably never take those trips abroad, take those vacations to exciting and new places, you will probably not have the opportunity and/or the motivation to realize those dreams you once had.

At 50 you will begin to acknowledge your own mortality. You will begin the long descent into regret. If you have children, they will be giving you grandchildren and maybe that will be enough to carry you through… but you still have dreams.

At 55 the life you are living is the life that will sustain you.

At 60 the life you are living is the life in which you are dying.

Every day is a gift.

Every opportunity is a gift.

Every choice is a gift.

Find that special someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Learn to live with enough. Take risks. Spend your money and take those trips and see those places you always wanted to see. Do all the things you wanted to do. Experience as much happiness as you can in these years.

If you have found your soul-mate, you are blessed beyond words – you will never be alone, you will always have someone by your side to weather the good times and the bad. When you can no longer physically live your dream your soul-mate will still share your dreams in remembering, imagining and by holding your hand and giving you the gift of love.

You think you have all the time in the world – you don’t. 65 is the average life span of a man born in 1970 – not a guarantee. The quality of your life is not assured either. If you have the chance to love – then love. 

Do not let anything keep you from what matters most – because without someone to love and love you in return… dreams rarely come true.

M TERESA CLAYTON

all citations are with the original post in AEA Magazine.

A LESSON IN FORGIVENESS

A LESSON IN APOLOGIES

“I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

“NO!  I will not forgive you and I don’t accept your apology!”

“Then forget it, I’m not sorry! I take back my apology!”

How often do we hear these words exchanged between two people?  How many times in our own lives has this been our own words?

For this lesson we are focusing on the dynamics between two individuals where one has offended the other - the words “I am sorry” convey a genuine remorse or sorrow for something that is done or said to another person which caused pain (emotional and/or physical.

Genuine, real, true, heartfelt - these are all words that describe the intention behind an apology.  Empathy, remorse, personal accountability, acknowledgment of the consequences of our actions or words; this is what informs us of our errors and leads us to seek resolution between ourselves and whomever we have personally offended.

To offer an apology is to offer yourself up to the injured one(s) and lay open your own vulnerabilities in order to right the wrong. It is humbling, no doubt. However, the reward is in acknowledging your own faults to yourself and to others, and healing your own wounds as well as possibly healing the one you have injured.

Here’s where we get lost – we expect that once we have swallowed our pride and offered an apology for our actions/words, the injured party will immediately accept this and everyone is happy to move on.

NOT SO FAST!

YOUR APOLOGY IS INDEPENDENT OF OUTCOME

That’s right!

If the injured party does not accept your apology, it does not negate the apology (assuming it was genuine, real, true and heartfelt).

You see, making an apology is your choice. There are many who feel badly for things they have said and done but never make it to the actual “offering” of an apology to the injured. Taking that extra step requires a level of conscience, of personal dignity, of honorability and selflessness. Good for you if you can reach the point of offering an apology and take responsibility for your actions if they have hurt someone.

But, when the injured party says they aren’t interested in accepting the apology or are not forgiving of your actions or words – this becomes their choice, independent of your choice to offer reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is independent of the act of contrition.

If your apology hinges on receiving forgiveness then your apology is coming from a selfish place, not a selfless one!

Assuming you did something or said something that hurt someone if you come to understand this transgression and are willing to atone for it, then it does not require acceptance and/or forgiveness to be validated. This is your moment of clarity.  This is your moment of correction. This is your moment of balance. You do this alone.

A LESSON IN FORGIVENESS

Just as the one who asks for forgiveness stands alone in his/her moment of atonement – you too, stand alone in your extension of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not require an apology.

An apology does not require forgiveness.

Each stands on its own merit.

Each draws from a separate source.

Each provides a different type of peace.

Each is whole unto itself – not a part of the other to be complete.

Here is how that opening dialogue should have gone:

“I am sorry, please forgive me.”

“NO!  I will not forgive you and I don’t accept your apology!”

“I am sorry for what I have done or said that hurt you. I can accept that you refuse to forgive. I am still very sorry for hurting you.”

And just as the above is perfect in its intention, so is the following:

“Though I have never gotten an apology, I forgive him/her.”

“Why would you forgive someone who can’t say they are sorry?”

“…Because forgiveness is my choice. It has nothing to do with the apology – that would be their choice; their journey.”

WHILE OTHERS CAN SUPPORT YOU THROUGH HARD TIMES –

EMOTIONAL HEALING IS PERSONAL – IT REQUIRES NOTHING

FROM WITHOUT AND EVERYTHING FROM WITHIN.

M Teresa Clayton

SUICIDE

When Life Becomes To Heavy -

And, Lord Knows I Have Tried

To Carry This Burden With Me,

I Can't Run and I Can't Hide - So The Only Answer...

Swallow Your Pride - This Day Has Died.

SUICIDE

There was death hanging in the air today

Not just any death, not just any man, takes a bit of breadth to really understand

The brevity of the situation here; the gravity of the speculation clearer

There are no words to say, just pray.

He left us when the sun went down last night

He was in his prime, the panic clings, knowing not the time or by what means,

Full throttle down that slippery slope, pills and a bottle; periphery hope

Not enough to make it right, he couldn’t fight

Found him lying in the hall by the bedroom door

This man who out lived his youth simply could not forgive the truth

When spoken by those ghosts; those broken souls he needed most

Needs for so much more, pleads the touch they all ignored

Death waits until we call for it to come -   come stay

Now he sleeps free of pain, she weeps for the man insane

Seconds become suspended here, inside this distended sphere

The room turns a muted gray; the gloom churns out a crude display

He chose to take his own life; he took the poison and died

Depression begs the question why, repression wins but the best will try

To find those feeling senses as all the mind reeling commences

Was this all just selfish pride? Gone are the answers with his suicide.

Notice how it never ends? Death is always standing right there beyond the door, waiting. 

Suicide is like that, it seems to catch, like fire, among the tender wood that some become. 

Tender hearted, tender minded - these are the ones who bear the weight of our problems without ever sharing their own. 

Nothing can cure the sickness, or repair the damage done, just be gentle with those you meet along your way - something you say or fail to say could make this their suicide day. 

It isn't that another person's choices are your fault, but you can be aware, you can show that you care by simply treating each person you meet with a kind word, a smile and perhaps offer to share a moment, ask if everything is okay... or if by chance you can help them repair what hurts them - in there.

LET ME PRETEND

Let Me Pretend

Dear Fans, Friends, Family and Followers,

We lose those we love, over and over again. Every time we think of them, are reminded by a fragrance, a sound, a song, a touch - we experience them all over again.

Many of you have lost loved ones. So many have lost your life partners, just as I have. I understand. I also understand the plea we make in the dark - I know it is just pretend, but please, let me pretend...

This rhyming story is written for you, inspired by you, and I hope gives you an idea of how many of us exist right along side of you - just wanting to keep on pretending.

There's a silence, a hush, a whisper, then it's gone. Thought I heard you crying, you must know that I'm dying inside of this emptiness. Something is wrong...

Something is wrong.

The air carries a memory; I can smell your fragrance. Reminds me of subtleties, those little cruelties. Out here I am nothing. Invisible vagrants...

                        Invisible vagrants.

I see you standing near the door, I’m crawling 'cross the floor, what am I reaching for? I've been looking everywhere... I can't see you anymore...

You're not there.

I'll understand, I won't ask you where you've been. Come lay close to me, I'll touch you tenderly. Yes, I know this is to pretend...

Please let me pretend.

Just let me close my eyes and feel you here, play with the curls in your hair, touch you everywhere... before you disappear.

I watched you disappear.

M TERESA CLAYTON